The sign has appeared for this is the Revelation of Saint Malstrom. I honk my
trumpet, and...
Behold! The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse appear! I honked my trumpet again,
and lo! A figure approached!
It was Miyamoto who rode a white horse. Carrying a bow, he also wore the crown
of gaming. He held the power of Conquest. Carrying the key to the bottomless
pit, he opened it, and... behold! A plague of non-games swarmed from the pit
and, like locusts, traveled throughout the markets. The hardcore gamers, feeling
betrayed, cried out, "Why, Miyamoto! Why are you destroying our world!?"
And Miyamoto said...
"(laughs) I am the horseman of non-immersion! For too long, games had either
been fantasy immersion or realistic immersion. Now, it is time for gaming to
exist outside the screen!"
The hardcore screamed as the non-games devoured their markets. To ignore this,
the hardcore went wild over one of the last DS epics: "The World Ends With You"
without realizing the irony.
I honked the trumpet for a second time and, behold!, another horseman appeared.
His horse was a fiery red, and he held up high Nintendo's Sword.
Endlessly laughing, Iwata announced himself the Horseman of the Blue Ocean. "I
hold the power of war," he chuckled. As he struck the sword to the market, the
hardcore began warring among themselves! "Blu-Ray!" screamed one. "Xbox Live!"
screamed another. As the hardcore fought one another, they didn't realize the
greater threat that was to engulf them all.
Come and see, the voice said to me. I looked up, honked my trumpet again,
and lo! Come and see! said the voice again, for another horseman
approached. This horse was all black, the rider could barely be seen, and he
held scales.
Reggie laughed and said, "I am the Horseman of Disruption," and he used the
scales on the market that showed where the profit is and where the sales were.
Many third parties jumped while other hardcore franchises began to have their
budget exceed their profits. Come and see, I heard as the hardcore games
grew less and less in number. Within time, the hardcore began to starve as a
great Gaming Famine spread across their land.
For the last time, I honked the trumpet and another horseman appeared. The horse
was pale and the rider paler, surely it had to be the Horseman of Death!
"I am the Horseman of Control!" Armed with only his pimp hand, Yamauchi slapped
the markets and his dream of Famicom controlling the living room became a
reality. The hardcore cried in despair as the horsemen threw white robes at them
to convert them to the new ways. To their horror, the hardcore realized the
entire world was turning white. Even the new players were wearing white.
Reggie let out a marketing smirk. "You can have a Wii of any color, so long as
it's white."
Miyamoto, answering a hardcore's complaint, said, "What?! There are not enough
Wii peripherals, I say! I will make some more. (laughs)"
Iwata, following them, said, "The game has changed... And the way the game is
played has to be changed. (laughs)"
Yamauchi simply said, "We shall rise to heaven or sink to hell!"
And, behold! the ground gave way and the chosen gamers began ascending to the
Nintendo heaven! As we rose, I saw a great wonder in the sky: a woman clothed
with the market, and a white slab under her feet, and upon her head a crown of
profitable financial statements. Then, lo, I saw that the white slab was
actually a Balance Board. She wiggled and waggled on the board, giggling forever
so, when the hardcore rose up and attempted to devour her balance board as soon
as it was born. But the woman fled to the heaven, and the hardcore followed,
with no more console wars to enjoy, are enraged that their world is no longer
the same.
Then the strangest twist of the generation took place:
The hardcore declared war on heaven...
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